Blue Monday

I have the blues today.  I can't quite put a finger to it, but I feel sad.  I hope this lifts as it leaves me listless.  All I want to do is sleep.

I feel abandoned.  Alone.  Solitary. 

Birthdays

My baby girl just turned 17.  It was a difficult day for her.  Not only did her party get cancelled but she felt abandoned by her friends.  I wish I could take that pain away and somehow make her realize that birthdays are just another day.  It ended up on a good note.  The local family came for dinner, we had a great time and I think she felt better.

Personally I hate my birthday.  I would like to not care about whether it's celebrated or not.  It's not the aging that bothers me it's feeling like it should be this grand celebration and it never lives up to my expectations.  I don't even know what my expectations are anymore so I would just love to not care whether I have a birthday.

I do, however love to celebrate with other people.  GO figure.

The years glide by.......

Sometimes I look back at my life as it has unfolded and I wonder why I'm where I am.  I'm a loving person and yet I find myself in a place that is devoid of personal (private) love.  It's there outwardly but there is no intimate love.  I was trying to remember the last time I was touched that left me feeling warm and fulfilled.  I can't bring a single moment to mind for at least the past 18 years.  Everything is fleeting, no feeling attached.

The years are getting away from me.... I'm afraid I'll die without knowing what it feels like to be really connected to another human being.  How did I get here?