Having a terminally ill child

An adult child, with a husband and family and a disease that may eventually kill her.  She's calling it cancer, I can't say the word very easily.  Technically it's not a cancer, but it is closely related to leukemia and myoloma.  Might as well be cancer.  It's terminal.  Stage 3. 

I am going through the stages of grief and every day brings a new feeling and a new revelation.  I sometimes wonder if I am jaded or toughened by going through losing someone close before.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I'm in denial sometimes.  Or maybe I'm just trying to keep a strong exterior for my daughter. 

It's so hard to see her vulnerable.  She has been so independent, always taking care of things herself.  Now there are things she just can't do anymore, at least not right now.

Starting in March she'll go to Denver to have tests and her bone marrow harvested for a transplant in April.  Then the big bad chemo that will kill her bone marrow and the transplant.  I'm so worried for her.  There will be someone in town the whole time she's there.  If she does will she will be able to leave the hospital but stay in the area.  We are looking into renting a house, or apartment for a month.

It's all very scary.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

Empty Nest

As I'm helping my youngest child prepare to move off to college I am suddenly aware that she is one her way to a life independent of mine.  I've been at this crossroad before, why does it seem so much harder this time?

In some ways I'm looking forward to not being at the mercy of the school year.  Freedom to move about the country.

Blue Monday

I have the blues today.  I can't quite put a finger to it, but I feel sad.  I hope this lifts as it leaves me listless.  All I want to do is sleep.

I feel abandoned.  Alone.  Solitary. 

Birthdays

My baby girl just turned 17.  It was a difficult day for her.  Not only did her party get cancelled but she felt abandoned by her friends.  I wish I could take that pain away and somehow make her realize that birthdays are just another day.  It ended up on a good note.  The local family came for dinner, we had a great time and I think she felt better.

Personally I hate my birthday.  I would like to not care about whether it's celebrated or not.  It's not the aging that bothers me it's feeling like it should be this grand celebration and it never lives up to my expectations.  I don't even know what my expectations are anymore so I would just love to not care whether I have a birthday.

I do, however love to celebrate with other people.  GO figure.

The years glide by.......

Sometimes I look back at my life as it has unfolded and I wonder why I'm where I am.  I'm a loving person and yet I find myself in a place that is devoid of personal (private) love.  It's there outwardly but there is no intimate love.  I was trying to remember the last time I was touched that left me feeling warm and fulfilled.  I can't bring a single moment to mind for at least the past 18 years.  Everything is fleeting, no feeling attached.

The years are getting away from me.... I'm afraid I'll die without knowing what it feels like to be really connected to another human being.  How did I get here?

The little things

I miss her hands..... they were generally always cold to the touch but they carried such love and warmth.  Of course the holidays bring her to mind because she loved her family more than anything.  Holidays were a time for her to bring everyone together under one roof.  A time that she could pour out her love in the form of turkey, lumpy gravy, fabulous pies and conversations that started from her heart.  I miss the way she bustled in her kitchen, worried that she didn't have "enough" (when in fact she could feed half the county).  There was always room at her table for one more..... or 3... or however many displaced people we brought.  I remember a Thanksgiving with over 30 people crammed into the living and dining rooms enjoying food, company and the unending supply of love and acceptance they found in my mother's house.

I miss her hands..... they were hard working hands, but softened with love.  They had raised children, soothed fevered brows, cooked and cleaned and held the hands of her children, grandchildren, friends, loved ones. The people whose lives she touched won't forget her, her family carries her in their hearts.  I can just imagine her in heaven's kitchen... planning on enough to feed the multitudes.

Somedays

I wonder just what it is that I'm waiting for..... a sign from heaven?  I feel lost today, I feel alone everyday.  I really don't want to hurt anyone but I can't absorb my pain anymore.  Please show me the way off of this roller coaster.