Wearing down

I find myself feeling un-inspired, un-emotional, un-interested today.  I am wondering how a tender hearted person like myself comes to this place where I feel nothing.  It scares me.  I am the emotional one, I am the tender one, I am the one who cries but today, I feel nothing.
For too many years I have held onto the belief that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I've been viewing my world through rose colored glasses and not really seeing the reality of what is happening. Perhaps today marks a new era for me and my pollyanna views of my world are wearing thin.
I have always been hopeful that "things will change".  The stark reality is that if I don't effect change then nothing in my life will ever improve.  Now, where to start.

The process

I woke up this morning angry.  I'm angry because at this age I should be secure in my life, comfortable.  It's my own damn fault that I'm not.  I have not gotten to this age well prepared.  Now everything is up in the air again.  New beginning?  Again?  I don't think I can take many more of these new beginnings.

When it rains

So while my mother's heart is breaking in the wake of a relationship break-up of my youngest daughter, being disowned by my son, and a terminal blood disease that could take the life of my eldest daughter, yet another burden has been passed my way.  My husband lost his job yesterday.  To say that I'm stressed is a huge understatement.  However, we seem to put one foot in front of the other and carry on.  I think I'm still in the dazed and confused stage, I have a notable lack of emotion over the whole thing.  It concerns me to a certain degree.  I think I should be feeling something.  I'm sure it will all come crashing down on me at some point.
So the next phase of my life has been thrust upon me whether I want it or not.  Yay me.

Having a terminally ill child

An adult child, with a husband and family and a disease that may eventually kill her.  She's calling it cancer, I can't say the word very easily.  Technically it's not a cancer, but it is closely related to leukemia and myoloma.  Might as well be cancer.  It's terminal.  Stage 3. 

I am going through the stages of grief and every day brings a new feeling and a new revelation.  I sometimes wonder if I am jaded or toughened by going through losing someone close before.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I'm in denial sometimes.  Or maybe I'm just trying to keep a strong exterior for my daughter. 

It's so hard to see her vulnerable.  She has been so independent, always taking care of things herself.  Now there are things she just can't do anymore, at least not right now.

Starting in March she'll go to Denver to have tests and her bone marrow harvested for a transplant in April.  Then the big bad chemo that will kill her bone marrow and the transplant.  I'm so worried for her.  There will be someone in town the whole time she's there.  If she does will she will be able to leave the hospital but stay in the area.  We are looking into renting a house, or apartment for a month.

It's all very scary.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

Empty Nest

As I'm helping my youngest child prepare to move off to college I am suddenly aware that she is one her way to a life independent of mine.  I've been at this crossroad before, why does it seem so much harder this time?

In some ways I'm looking forward to not being at the mercy of the school year.  Freedom to move about the country.

Blue Monday

I have the blues today.  I can't quite put a finger to it, but I feel sad.  I hope this lifts as it leaves me listless.  All I want to do is sleep.

I feel abandoned.  Alone.  Solitary. 

Birthdays

My baby girl just turned 17.  It was a difficult day for her.  Not only did her party get cancelled but she felt abandoned by her friends.  I wish I could take that pain away and somehow make her realize that birthdays are just another day.  It ended up on a good note.  The local family came for dinner, we had a great time and I think she felt better.

Personally I hate my birthday.  I would like to not care about whether it's celebrated or not.  It's not the aging that bothers me it's feeling like it should be this grand celebration and it never lives up to my expectations.  I don't even know what my expectations are anymore so I would just love to not care whether I have a birthday.

I do, however love to celebrate with other people.  GO figure.