Wearing down

I find myself feeling un-inspired, un-emotional, un-interested today.  I am wondering how a tender hearted person like myself comes to this place where I feel nothing.  It scares me.  I am the emotional one, I am the tender one, I am the one who cries but today, I feel nothing.
For too many years I have held onto the belief that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I've been viewing my world through rose colored glasses and not really seeing the reality of what is happening. Perhaps today marks a new era for me and my pollyanna views of my world are wearing thin.
I have always been hopeful that "things will change".  The stark reality is that if I don't effect change then nothing in my life will ever improve.  Now, where to start.

The process

I woke up this morning angry.  I'm angry because at this age I should be secure in my life, comfortable.  It's my own damn fault that I'm not.  I have not gotten to this age well prepared.  Now everything is up in the air again.  New beginning?  Again?  I don't think I can take many more of these new beginnings.

When it rains

So while my mother's heart is breaking in the wake of a relationship break-up of my youngest daughter, being disowned by my son, and a terminal blood disease that could take the life of my eldest daughter, yet another burden has been passed my way.  My husband lost his job yesterday.  To say that I'm stressed is a huge understatement.  However, we seem to put one foot in front of the other and carry on.  I think I'm still in the dazed and confused stage, I have a notable lack of emotion over the whole thing.  It concerns me to a certain degree.  I think I should be feeling something.  I'm sure it will all come crashing down on me at some point.
So the next phase of my life has been thrust upon me whether I want it or not.  Yay me.

Having a terminally ill child

An adult child, with a husband and family and a disease that may eventually kill her.  She's calling it cancer, I can't say the word very easily.  Technically it's not a cancer, but it is closely related to leukemia and myoloma.  Might as well be cancer.  It's terminal.  Stage 3. 

I am going through the stages of grief and every day brings a new feeling and a new revelation.  I sometimes wonder if I am jaded or toughened by going through losing someone close before.  I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like I'm in denial sometimes.  Or maybe I'm just trying to keep a strong exterior for my daughter. 

It's so hard to see her vulnerable.  She has been so independent, always taking care of things herself.  Now there are things she just can't do anymore, at least not right now.

Starting in March she'll go to Denver to have tests and her bone marrow harvested for a transplant in April.  Then the big bad chemo that will kill her bone marrow and the transplant.  I'm so worried for her.  There will be someone in town the whole time she's there.  If she does will she will be able to leave the hospital but stay in the area.  We are looking into renting a house, or apartment for a month.

It's all very scary.  I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

Empty Nest

As I'm helping my youngest child prepare to move off to college I am suddenly aware that she is one her way to a life independent of mine.  I've been at this crossroad before, why does it seem so much harder this time?

In some ways I'm looking forward to not being at the mercy of the school year.  Freedom to move about the country.

Blue Monday

I have the blues today.  I can't quite put a finger to it, but I feel sad.  I hope this lifts as it leaves me listless.  All I want to do is sleep.

I feel abandoned.  Alone.  Solitary. 

Birthdays

My baby girl just turned 17.  It was a difficult day for her.  Not only did her party get cancelled but she felt abandoned by her friends.  I wish I could take that pain away and somehow make her realize that birthdays are just another day.  It ended up on a good note.  The local family came for dinner, we had a great time and I think she felt better.

Personally I hate my birthday.  I would like to not care about whether it's celebrated or not.  It's not the aging that bothers me it's feeling like it should be this grand celebration and it never lives up to my expectations.  I don't even know what my expectations are anymore so I would just love to not care whether I have a birthday.

I do, however love to celebrate with other people.  GO figure.

The years glide by.......

Sometimes I look back at my life as it has unfolded and I wonder why I'm where I am.  I'm a loving person and yet I find myself in a place that is devoid of personal (private) love.  It's there outwardly but there is no intimate love.  I was trying to remember the last time I was touched that left me feeling warm and fulfilled.  I can't bring a single moment to mind for at least the past 18 years.  Everything is fleeting, no feeling attached.

The years are getting away from me.... I'm afraid I'll die without knowing what it feels like to be really connected to another human being.  How did I get here?

The little things

I miss her hands..... they were generally always cold to the touch but they carried such love and warmth.  Of course the holidays bring her to mind because she loved her family more than anything.  Holidays were a time for her to bring everyone together under one roof.  A time that she could pour out her love in the form of turkey, lumpy gravy, fabulous pies and conversations that started from her heart.  I miss the way she bustled in her kitchen, worried that she didn't have "enough" (when in fact she could feed half the county).  There was always room at her table for one more..... or 3... or however many displaced people we brought.  I remember a Thanksgiving with over 30 people crammed into the living and dining rooms enjoying food, company and the unending supply of love and acceptance they found in my mother's house.

I miss her hands..... they were hard working hands, but softened with love.  They had raised children, soothed fevered brows, cooked and cleaned and held the hands of her children, grandchildren, friends, loved ones. The people whose lives she touched won't forget her, her family carries her in their hearts.  I can just imagine her in heaven's kitchen... planning on enough to feed the multitudes.

Somedays

I wonder just what it is that I'm waiting for..... a sign from heaven?  I feel lost today, I feel alone everyday.  I really don't want to hurt anyone but I can't absorb my pain anymore.  Please show me the way off of this roller coaster.

Never go back

I've heard all my life that you can never go back.  Well who would want to?  When I think about going back home I don't expect it to be the same.  I'm not the same.  What I do expect is that people have grown and changed.  My little home town has changed.... and I see it differently now that I've had other life experiences.  I want to go forward from here.  I'd like to see change, be change.

Sharing my house with 8 teenage girls.... nothing like a sleep-over!

Ballet dresses

These are 5 of 6 ballet dresses that I inherited at the last minute.  I stressed over getting them done in time for pictures, but there they are!!!!  The "official" photo shoot was last Saturday.  I still have a few odds and ends to tie up but for the most part I am done.  WooHoo!

Practice, practice, practice

Sewing elastics into leotards is time consuming and one would think not so much fun.  However, seeing the perfect tiny tucks in the fabric after you have sewn the final elastic in the garment is quite satisfying.  I have 4 tiny red leotards cut out and sewn together.  One of those tiny leos now has elastics in the neck, arm and leg holes. While I'm not happy with the sewing machine's performance (it *is over 30 years old so I give it some latitude), I am feeling quite accomplished at getting elastic to look good when married to fabric.  So just as it is with dancing and perfecting your tour jete's , so it is with sewing and perfecting those tiny details that give us pleasure and make the garment look well done.

Costumes

Blue Velvet, size 4

Blue Velvet Vest size 8

Black skirt size 12

Fairy costume, size 4

Bolero and Skirt, size 14

Fabric

I'm making dance costumes for this year's recital but right now I'm waiting (when am I not) for the funds to buy fabric.  I've got my patterns all copied (well almost) and ready to get started.  I think they will be cute.  I feel confident in my abilities and I just want to get the fabric and get them made!!!